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Coworker Relationships
Office Insights: Which Employees Get More
Angry or Irritated?
Here at Your Office
Coach, our inbox is full of tales about people who get fed up with their
boss and angrily quit without having another job. Or irritable
employees complaining about colleagues who snack, socialize, interrupt,
or whistle. One writer even complained that a coworker “types loudly on
her computer”. We’re not quite sure how you do that.
Recent research has shown
that all these short-tempered folks might have one thing in common:
their age. Studies conducted at several universities have found that
older people are much better at regulating emotions than are younger
people. According to David Almeida of Penn State, older adults report
fewer interpersonal tensions and are less likely to get into arguments.
“Older people appear
better able than younger people to pick their battles,” says Kira
Birditt, a University of Michigan scientist. “When they’re upset, older
people are more likely to wait and see if things improve. Younger
people are more likely to argue and yell.” It appears that, as people
mature, they experience fewer negative emotions and use less destructive
behaviors. (Source: Atlanta
Journal-Constitution, May, 2005)
So
what’s the message? Well, if you’re a young employee, try to get a
grip! Recognize that minor irritations aren’t really too important in
the larger scheme of things. You probably have some irritating habits
yourself. Before acting on your emotional impulses, give yourself time
to calm down. If you’re an older worker, help the youngsters develop a
broader perspective. And if you’re a manager, recognize that the
younger your group, the more high-maintenance they are likely to be!
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
§
“Conflict
Management Skills” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/conflict_management_skills.htm
§
“Good
Ground Rules for Quarrelsome Groups” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/quarrelsome_groups.htm
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Office Insights: What Turns Business
Discussions into Conflicts?
In a staff meeting, Jay
remarks that Kelly’s project seems to be slightly behind schedule.
“Well, you didn’t exactly meet your last deadline!” replies Kelly.
“Calm down,” says Jay.
“We’re not talking about me, we’re talking about you. You’re project is
going to be late.”
“Maybe we should be
talking about you!” exclaims Kelly. “You’re the one who’s always
criticizing everybody.”
“Hey, don’t take
everything so personally!” snaps Jay.
We’ve all seen it
happen. Reasonable business discussions escalate into heated arguments
for apparently no reason. But why? Work is supposed to be the place
where conversations are rational, logical, and factual. So what goes
wrong?
Because we do expect work
colleagues to be mature and reasonable, we often underestimate one
important factor in business discussions: emotional attachment. People
become emotionally attached to tasks, projects, responsibilities, and
positions. So a critical comment can feel like a personal affront. And
a proposed change can feel like a threat.
According to Kerry
Sulkowicz, a psychiatrist specializing in business issues, negotiators
often fail because “they’ve miscalculated the other party’s emotional
attachment to what they’re giving up”. So when you look beyond the
business issues and attempt to understand the feelings behind them, you
can often create both better outcomes and better relationships. (Source:
BusinessWeek, April 9, 2007)
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
§
“Good
Ground Rules for Quarrelsome Groups ” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/quarrelsome_groups.htm
§
“Seven
Relationships to Cultivate at Work” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/7_relationships_to_cultivate_at_work.htm
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Office Insights:
Do Diverse Groups Make Better Decisions?
Organizations may try to
increase the “diversity” of the workforce for a variety of reasons.
Some feel that it’s just the right thing to do. Others want a workforce
that better matches their customer base. But an unintended benefit may
be an improvement in the quality of decision-making.
A study of juries found
that racially mixed groups were more likely to have in-depth discussions
than those whose members were all of the same race. In the diverse
groups, jurors raised more questions and were less likely to make
inaccurate statements. The homogeneous groups spent less time on
decisions, made more errors, and considered fewer perspectives.
So if you want to improve
the decisions made by your work group or management team, take a look at
your members. If everyone is the same race, gender, and nationality,
maybe you need to acquire some different perspectives. (Source:
Monitor on Psychology, May 2006)
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
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When Should You Apologize?
When things go wrong,
many people are reluctant to apologize, fearing that admitting fault
will harm their reputation, result in punishment, or simply make them
look foolish. But when you’ve really screwed up, a quick apology may be
the best tool for repairing the situation.
An apology is in order
whenever your actions have created difficulties for others or you have
behaved inappropriately. Some examples: You miss a clear deadline and
throw a coworker’s project completely off schedule. You forget to give
your boss critical information that she needs for an important meeting.
You lose your temper and start yelling at one of your employees.
According to Deborah
Tannen, a well-known linguist, a true apology has four parts: 1)
admitting fault, 2) showing remorse, 3) acknowledging damage, and 4)
offering a repair strategy (Source: Newsweek magazine). For
example, here's something you might say to a co-worker: “George, I know that my late report caused you to miss an
important deadline, and I feel terrible about that. I’m sure your boss
is unhappy about the delay, so I plan to send him an email and explain
that it wasn’t your fault.”
A properly phrased and
well-timed apology makes you look stronger, not weaker, by showing that
you have the courage to admit your mistakes. And it will go a long way
towards repairing damaged relationships. But don’t overdo it! If you
make “I’m sorry” a constant refrain, you will come across as anxious and
uncertain. So save your apologies for the times that you really need
them.
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
§
“Political
Pitfalls for Men & Women” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/political_pitfalls.htm
§
“Conflict
Management Skills” at
http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/conflict_management_skills.htm
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Do you Work with a Grudge-Holder?
Bob
got a bigger raise than you did. Anita didn’t ask you to go to lunch.
Your boss left you out of an important meeting. Kim made a disparaging
remark about your new car. Although these events may be irritating,
after awhile healthy people can let them go. But grudge-holders
remember them forever.
According to Dr. Nando Pelusi (Psychology Today, November, 2006),
grudge-holders engage in “injustice collecting”. They constantly
monitor the environment and get angry whenever they spot evidence of
unfairness. Then they hold on to that anger for a long, long time!
Eventually, they become chronically mistrustful and suspicious, often
seeing slights where none exist.
If
you are a grudge-holder, Dr. Pelusi suggests that you replace “this is
so unfair” with “this is so annoying”. After all, “fairness” is
completely a matter of perspective. Try to focus on things that you are
able to influence and avoid wasting emotional energy on things you
cannot change. And recognize that grudge-holders are often their own
worst enemy. After all, who wants to be around an angry, sullen
complainer?
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
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Do you Work with a Sociopath?
We’ve
all heard about sociopaths – those evil, heartless souls who torture
animals, swindle little old ladies out of their life savings, or become
career criminals. You probably don’t work with this type of sociopath,
but you may find yourself dealing with the office version.
According to mental health experts, sociopaths tend to share the
following characteristics: (1) they have no empathy or concern for the
feelings of others, (2) they lie easily and manipulate people, (3) they
feel no remorse, guilt, or shame for their actions, (4) they feel that
they are entitled to have anything that they want. And amazingly,
despite their unpleasant nature, these self-centered souls sometimes
impress others as charming, warm, intelligent, and charismatic.
Sadly, office sociopaths sometimes rise to positions of power in
business and government. So if you spot one of these immoral characters
at work, forget about cooperation, collaboration, and compromise. Just
keep your eyes open and watch your back!
Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office
Coach:
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