ATC Library Leadership

Can you be a boss and a friend?

Q: I’m not sure how to handle my new supervisory position. Before being promoted, I was friends with my former coworkers, so I’m finding it difficult to tell them what to do. I love being a supervisor, but it’s hard to be as tough as my superiors want me to be.

In a perfect world, I would like to be both a boss and a friend. However, I’m beginning to realize that to get things done, I need to be less of a friend and more of a boss. I know I have to demonstrate leadership, but I’m afraid this will turn me into an unlikeable person. After all, does anyone really like their boss? Nice Guy

A: To you, “boss” apparently means someone who is autocratic and unpleasant. Perhaps that has been your unfortunate experience. However, many people actually admire their managers and enjoy working with them.

Nevertheless, you are correct in thinking that you and your former peers can no longer be friends in the same way. The fact that you will now be doing their performance reviews has completely redefined that relationship. Like every new supervisor, you must learn how to comfortably relate to people from a position of power.

For help in navigating this transition, look for books, workshops, or online resources that provide lessons in leadership. Seek out effective managers and use them as role models. You will soon come to realize that your goal is not to be liked, but to be respected.

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Maybe My Employee Should Be Managing Me

Q I’m a new manager, and one of my employees has a lot more experience than I do. This is very uncomfortable for me, since sometimes I feel that I should be working for him instead of the other way around. I don’t think that he wanted the management job, but I get the feeling that he may resent my having it. I’m not sure how to handle this.

A: One problem for new managers is that they often suffer from the “imposter syndrome”, which simply means that even though you have the title and the pay, you still don’t feel like a manager. When you’re in this stage, having a much more experienced employee can increase your feelings of inadequacy. Some new managers compensate for their insecurity by trying to act “managerial” and order people around, which only alienates their employees. So please try to avoid that pitfall.

Mature managers are not threatened by employees who are smarter, more knowledgeable, or more skilled than they are. They know that talented employees will just help them produce better results. So, assuming that your experienced person is a good employee, let him know that you view his experience as an asset to your department and that you are looking forward to learning from him. If you came from another company, ask him for information about the company history and culture. And be sure to express appreciation for his contributions. If you handle the situation right, he will become an ally, not an adversary.

By the way, the fact that you are asking this question is probably a sign that you’re going to be a good manager!

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The Doctor's Staff is Out of Control

Q: My physician husband decided to leave a large group practice and establish his own office. Four staff members, including the office manager, left with him. Our daughter, a health care provider, also joined the new practice.

I helped out in the office for awhile, but I left because the office manager was so disrespectful to me. Our daughter still works there, but has never been accepted by the “office group." They gossip about her, reschedule her patients, and complain about her at staff meetings.

My husband has held several meetings to try to mediate these problems, but it’s just getting worse. He's worried sick that our daughter will leave. Any suggestions?

A: Your husband needs to grow a backbone. He owns the practice, so he’s the boss. If his staff is harassing his daughter, then he should tell them to stop. And if they don't, then he needs to find some new employees.

In a family business, family members have all the power, which frequently annoys unrelated employees. But your husband seems to be giving his power away, perhaps because doctors often have no clue about how to handle personnel issues.

Instead of endlessly trying to "mediate" this conflict, your hubby needs to act like a business owner and give his staff some clear direction. And if your daughter is contributing to the problem, then he must do the same with her. As the boss, the buck stops with him.

My Employee Refuses to Attend Meetings

Q: I am a fairly new manager. One of my employees thinks he knows everything and frequently talks back to me.

Every morning, I have a short staff meeting, and so far this guy hasn't shown any signs of wanting to attend. I told him that I might need his input and asked if he's ever going to join the meetings. He replied that he saw no point in it.

His attitude clearly doesn't serve as a good example for the other employees. What should I do about this?

A: Like many new supervisors, you’ve learned that people don't necessarily do what you want just because you now have “manager” in your title. Disruptive employees must believe that you actually will assert the authority of your position.

When you “ask if he’s ever going to join the meetings”, you don’t sound much like a manager. In fact, you sound like you’re begging and pleading. And this guy apparently feels perfectly comfortable ignoring you.

So stop making weak requests and start making strong statements. For example: "I know you would prefer not to come to the daily meetings, but I do expect you to be there. I need for everyone to hear the same information and share their opinions. So I expect to see you at the meeting on Monday."

Clearly outline what will happen if he fails to show, then end the conversation. If he’s absent again, impose the predicted consequence without delay and repeat your expectation that he attend the meetings.

Should he continue to be rude and rebellious, consult with your HR manager about the appropriate next steps. If you tolerate this disrespect, you are sending the message that you are a doormat.

My Employee Resents My Promotion

Q: After being the acting manager for a year, I finally got an official promotion to manager. Both of my employees interviewed for the position, but I was selected. Now one of them, “Dan”, has stopped communicating with me.

Dan won’t respond to my emails, fails to send me information, and generally gives me the silent treatment. He is an excellent worker, but this situation isn't working at all.

Although our hours overlap, we’re on different shifts, which only makes it worse. We need a strong communication link to insure that information is transferred from one shift to the next. Do you have any ideas for alleviating this situation?

A: As the manager, you need to address this issue immediately. Dan may resent your promotion, but that’s no excuse for failing to communicate with his boss.

You don’t want to rush this conversation, so schedule a meeting when you both have time to talk. Acknowledge Dan’s feelings, but don’t turn this into a therapy session. Make it clear that communication must improve.

For example: "I know you may be disappointed that you weren't selected as the manager. But you and I still have to communicate about work, and lately that hasn’t been happening. I need for us to agree on the best way to communicate during the shift change." Then ask what he would suggest.

If Dan starts behaving more appropriately, your problem is solved. His inner feelings are irrelevant as long as he doesn’t act them out.

However, as a new manager, you also need to examine your leadership style to be sure that you’re not triggering this hostile behavior. Your employees might have applied for the manager job because they did not like working for you when you were “acting”.

My Employee Calls Everyone “Honey”

Q: One of my employees refers to everyone as "Honey" or "Hon". I’ve been told that some people find this offensive, but I’m not sure how to deal with it. She’s a good employee, so how do I get her to stop this without insulting or alienating her?

A: Acknowledging her positive intentions will soften the criticism. For example: "I really appreciate the warm, friendly relationships that you have at work. However, you need to be careful about calling people “hon” or “honey”. Even though you’re just trying to be friendly, some people may view this as condescending or overly personal.

“In the future, I need for you to avoid saying “honey” when talking with customers or colleagues. I realize this may be a hard habit to break, so I'll remind you if I notice it. But please keep your pleasant, cheerful attitude, because that's a real asset!"

Is It Okay to Touch my Employees?

Q: What is considered “inappropriate touching” at work? I don’t mean sexual contact, but simply an occasional touch on the arm or placing a hand on someone’s back when going through a doorway.

Recently, a formal complaint was registered against one of my colleagues for this type of touching. He was officially counseled by his manager and human resources, then a notice was put in his permanent personnel record.

The complaining party had never mentioned being offended by my coworker’s touching, so he was completely surprised. He’s just a naturally gregarious person, so how was he to know that his actions were offensive?

My own management style has been described as touchy-feely or warm and personable, but no one has ever complained of feeling offended, harassed, or threatened. I've advised this colleague to avoid all physical contact in the future, but I'm not sure that this is the best advice. What’s the right thing to do?

A: Touching people at work is a bad idea, especially if you are a manager. Unless physical contact is part of the job – as with doctors, hair stylists, or massage therapists – it’s best to keep your hands to yourself.

Although outgoing folks may view touches as warm and caring, more reserved people find casual touching to be intrusive and overly familiar. Not being psychic, you can’t know how any given person will react to a friendly pat.

As a manager, you must be especially vigilant about offensive behavior. Because your position gives you power, employees may feel obligated to tolerate actions which they find distasteful. And if your hugs and strokes are misinterpreted as sexual overtures, you could find yourself slapped with an unexpected harassment charge.

My Employees Insult Our Customers

Q. I manage the gift shop at a beautiful, historic winery. This is a wonderful place to work, but we do encounter customers with a variety of challenging personalities.

My problem is that I have several employees who complain about how stupid the customers are and what dumb questions they ask. This ongoing negativity is eroding the atmosphere in what should be a warm and friendly workplace.

I have tried asking everyone to be more positive, but the negativity spreads like a disease. Also, we don't work in a bubble, so I'm sure that customers overhear these comments. What can I do to stop this unproductive, catty chatter?

A. Relieving job stress by sharing customer stories is one thing, but trashing the very people who provide your livelihood is quite another. As a manager, you must help your employees understand the difference.

Disdainful attitudes are particularly out of place in a winery, where less sophisticated shoppers often feel ill-at-ease. If the staff is condescending, customers may quickly depart without buying anything.

To encourage empathy, have employees recall their own interactions with aloof or haughty salespeople. Ask what could have been done to make them feel more comfortable and respected. Emphasize that successful salespeople consistently serve all customers with a spirit of understanding and helpfulness.

You can certainly acknowledge that some customers are annoying, rude, and demanding. If employees need to vent about these inevitable irritations, they must strictly follow one cardinal rule: never, ever talk about any customer when other customers are around. Gripe sessions can occur in the break room, but are absolutely forbidden on the sales floor.

To nip negativity in the bud, clearly communicate customer service standards as soon as new employees start work. Establishing these expectations up front will help to shape their behavior in the desired direction.

Two of my Employees are a “Couple”

Q: Two of my employees are very good friends. One is a married woman, the other an unmarried man. They obviously enjoy each other's company and spend a significant amount of time together. I have no idea whether they are romantically involved.

The problem is that other staff members are uncomfortable with their closeness. Some assume they are having an affair, while others simply feel excluded. Although I have not inquired about their personal relationship, I did advise these two of the staff’s comments and the perception of impropriety. They immediately became quite defensive.

Now I’m not sure what to do. If these employees are being judged unfairly, then I should tell the others to stop spreading rumors. But if there is an inappropriate relationship, perhaps I should address that, although I’m not sure if it’s my place to do so. Any suggestions? Concerned Supervisor

A: Here’s the key question for any manager confronted with troublesome employee behavior: how is it adversely affecting the work? If you can identify a job-related problem, you need to address it. But if not, then don’t worry about it.

For example, a woman wearing 3-inch stiletto heels may be damaging her feet, but the choice of attire is typically her own business. However, if she works in a manufacturing plant, where the shoes present a safety hazard, then her manager needs to take action.

Applying that standard to the lovebirds (or friend-birds), let’s consider how their relationship might create workplace issues. Please note that we need to focus on observable behavior, not speculative assumptions about possible outside activities.

Do these employees refuse to involve others in projects? Are they chatting when they should be working? Do they make others feel excluded with “private” jokes and comments? If so, then you need to talk with them.

Because these two probably view their friendship as a personal matter, you may have to help them understand how it’s affecting the office. You must also reach agreement on how they plan to correct the situation.

Unless this chummy pair starts cuddling in their cubicles, speculation about a possible romance is unwarranted. To slow down the grapevine, tell your other employees that you want the gossiping to stop. By spreading unsubstantiated rumors about their colleagues’ private lives, they could harm them both personally and professionally. Marie McIntyre

My Employee is a Liar

Q: One of my part-time employees constantly tells me little lies. If I ask when she came in, she says 9:00 when I know she arrived at 9:20. If I call and ask what she's working on, she says that she's filing, but I can see on the security camera that she's been on the phone for 15 minutes with a personal call. When I mentioned this, she began to cry and said I was totally wrong and unreasonable. I told her to forget it, but I don't trust her. She also cleans my house once a week. What should I do?

A: First of all, why is your employee cleaning your house? Mixing business and personal relationships often leads to trouble so I strongly suggest that you find another housecleaner.

Why is this such a bad idea? If your employee becomes angry with you at work, she can find many ways to retaliate if she has free run of your home. And if you're worried about losing her cleaning services, you may overlook some job performance issues. Also, other employees may feel that this special relationship creates favoritism at the office. But since you didn't actually ask me about cleaning, let's talk about lying.

Here's what I wonder. Why are you asking this woman questions when you already know the answer? You apparently want her to confess her sins, but since people have a natural tendency to avoid punishment, you're almost inviting her to lie. Does this make her lying okay? No, of course not. But covering up a minor work infraction doesn't mean that she's likely to raid the cash register.

If you're concerned about tardiness and personal calls, then you need to address those issues. First, establish clear standards for all employees. Are they allowed to make personal calls? If so, what are the limits? How many times can they be late? What happens if they exceed that number? Then, if you want to track arrival times or monitor with legitimate security cameras, that's fine. As long as they know you're doing it.

People usually conform to established rules and guidelines if they know their manager is paying attention. So I suggest that you forget about past "cover-ups" and communicate clear standards to everyone. Then, if someone fails to meet them, you must talk with that person about the problem. And please do consider getting a new cleaning person. Marie McIntyre

Q: I supervise a group of women who are supposed to have a sedentary, quiet job entering data. The problem is that no matter what I say or do they talk non-stop and usually do not meet their quota. The talking also disturbs a couple of other ladies in the area. How do you get grown women to be quiet?

A: Are you more concerned about the quota or the noise? As a supervisor, you’re responsible for achieving unit goals, so you need to have a coaching discussion with anyone who is consistently below quota. And you should explore all possible reasons for low production, not just talking.

But if they do meet quota, does it still matter how much they talk? If not, you can quickly up your production by simply making the “privilege” of chit-chat contingent upon reaching goals. As long as the work gets done, the talking can continue.

If you want to reduce the volume regardless, then you need to clearly define what’s acceptable. Presumably the ideal lies somewhere between completely zipped lips and constant chatter. You must also provide immediate feedback when it gets too noisy, so that your employees can learn to adjust the volume. Don’t expect them to “get it” immediately.

Here’s something to consider, however. They may be talking because conversation makes boring and repetitive work more bearable. So if you kill the chatter, some of them may leave.

You say that their talking bothers others, which is a common problem. Quiet, introverted people are often irritated by chatty, extroverted colleagues. There can also be physiological differences: some people automatically screen out background noise, while others hear every sound in the room. So consider involving everyone in a discussion about how to accommodate such differences.

A final thought: Could you provide a radio or let people wear headphones so that they can listen to music while they work? Dead silence is just as maddening to some as background noise is to others. Marie McIntyre

Q: One of my employees has a bad breath problem. I’m very uncomfortable discussing this with her, but some other people have complained. As the manager, I feel that I should do something. How do I tactfully handle it?

A: Out of the entire universe of job performance issues, personal hygiene is probably the most difficult to discuss, because talking about private bodily functions is usually way off limits at work. So for you, as the manager in this situation, I’m afraid that I have bad news and more bad news.

First, forget about finding a comfortable way to bring up this subject. There isn’t one. Your employee will take it personally because it is personal. She is likely to react with either indignation or embarrassment. Either way, this will be one of those moments when you wonder why you ever wanted to be a manager.

The other bad news is that, because you are the manager, you do need to address this. When personal matters affect work results or relationships, they become job performance problems. Hygiene issues alienate colleagues and customers, leading to many undesirable consequences.

Since people usually can’t smell their own breath, this employee may not even be aware of the problem. So try saying something like this: “I want to talk with you about an issue that is somewhat difficult to discuss. Frankly, I’m a little uncomfortable bringing it up, but, as your manager, I feel that I should tell you about it. I’ve noticed that there is a rather unusual odor on your breath. I know that this can sometimes indicate a medical problem, so I wanted to see if you were aware of it.” Then see how she responds.

If she gets angry or defensive, you may need to help her see that you are being helpful. Reiterate your concerns about her health and suggest that she talk to her doctor or dentist. If she asks whether people have complained, I would truthfully reply that a few others have mentioned it, without saying who. Giving her names of complaining colleagues will only make the situation worse.

There actually is a medical condition which creates bad breath that is difficult to control, but odds are her problem can be solved with regular flossing, brushing, and mouthwash. And regardless of how she reacts initially, your helpful conversation may inspire increased attention to her dental hygiene. Marie McIntyre

Q. One of my employees appears to be manic-depressive. She was transferred into my unit about 6 months ago. On good days, she can be really upbeat, but on bad days, she is critical and rude. Her co-workers try not to work with her. I have tried to be calm and supportive of her, but I’m exhausted by the situation. My boss is a hands-off manager and no help with this problem.

A. There is an old saying about employees: "At work, we don’t buy their souls, we just rent their behavior." As her manager, you have every right to request the behavior that you need to get the work done. Unless she has a diagnosable mental condition, she can control herself if she makes the effort. So let’s assume that she is not off her medication, but just being difficult.

You say that you have been "calm and supportive", but have you been clear and direct about the problems she is causing and how you expect her to change? "Calm" is good, but "supportive" may just be reinforcing her bad behavior.

1. First, agree with your “hands-off” boss on the consequences that will be imposed for continued bad behavior. Consequences can range from a change in work assignment to formal disciplinary action. Then schedule a time to talk with the employee in private.

2. Clearly explain your expectations about how people are to work together in your unit.

3. Clearly describe your observations about how her behavior is interfering with the work.

4. Tell her exactly what she needs to do differently – that is, what good performance looks like.

7. Ask for her input on how she plans to make the change. (You might want to let her think about it overnight and talk again the next day.)

8. Set a time when you will meet to assess progress. If you don’t follow up, then she will get the message that it wasn’t important.

9. Whenever you see these problems occurring, call her aside and privately point them out.

10. If she changes, express your appreciation. If she does not, then enforce the consequences.

If by chance she actually does have a mental health diagnosis that makes her a disabled individual under the law, you will also need to talk with your HR department about legal implications.

This effort will require some time and energy for awhile, but it’s part of your job as a manager. Too bad that your boss isn't helpful, but many bosses aren’t. The main help that you need from him is to support the actions that you take. And keep in mind that you can’t expect her to become a different person, just to stop being disruptive. Good luck! Marie G. McIntyre, Ph.D.

Q: I’m a new manager, and one of my employees has a lot more experience than I do. This is very uncomfortable for me, since sometimes I feel that I should be working for him instead of the other way around. I don’t think that he wanted the management job, but I get the feeling that he may resent my having it. I’m not sure how to handle this.

A: One problem for new managers is that they often suffer from the “imposter syndrome”, which simply means that even though you have the title and the pay, you still don’t feel like a manager. (Actually, this is true for almost anyone in a new role.) When you’re in this stage, having a much more experienced employee can just increase your feelings of inadequacy. Some new managers compensate for their insecurity by trying to act “managerial” and order people around, which only alienates their employees. So please try to avoid that pitfall.

Mature managers are not threatened by employees who are smarter, more knowledgeable, or more skilled than they are. Good managers know that talented employees will just help them produce better results. So, assuming that your experienced person is a good employee, let him know that you view his experience as an asset to your department and that you are looking forward to learning from him. If you came from another company, ask him for information about the company history and culture. And be sure to express appreciation for his contributions. If you handle the situation right, he will become an ally, not an adversary.

To help with your transition into the management role, you might also want to check out Twelve Tips for New Managers on this website. And if you have to deal with employee performance issues, the handout on Conducting a Coaching Discussion might also be helpful. By the way, the fact that you are asking this question is probably a sign that you are going to be a good manager! Marie G. McIntyre, Ph.D.

Q: I work in a very small dental practice with my boss (the dentist), his wife, and two administrative assistants. I am supposed to be the office manager. I say “supposed to be” because even though I am the supervisor of the assistants, they always go to the dentist or his wife with their questions or complaints. Most recently, I gave one of the assistants a task that she didn’t want to do, so she complained to the wife, who then told me to do the task instead. This is driving me nuts!

A: Like any work setting, small offices present both benefits and challenges. One challenge is that the owners often don’t have a good understanding of effective management practices. So they just follow their instincts, which aren’t always helpful.

In your situation, it sounds as though the biggest problem is unclear roles. Who is supposed to do what in this office? What does being a “supervisor” mean in this situation? To address the problem, I suggest that you initiate a non-critical conversation with the dentist and his wife. A non-critical conversation looks to the future, not the past. The focus is on defining the problem and deciding how to improve the situation, not placing blame for how things got so screwed up. (That never helps!)

Describe to the dentist and his wife how the lack of clearly defined roles is making work more difficult in the office. Then the three of you should agree on each person’s specific management responsibilities. If it seems helpful, you might offer to draft up a document to start the discussion. Then, once roles are agreed upon, be sure that the dentist clearly communicates them to the assistants. And when they continue to go to the wife with issues (which they will), she needs to direct them back to you. Pretty soon they’ll get the message. Marie G. McIntyre, Ph.D.

Q: The owners of our company bring their dog to work every day. When this animal bit an employee on the face, the owners implied that she should have known not to get too close. She said no one ever told her that the dog was dangerous.

After this incident, the owners said the dog would never be allowed in the building again, but within a month he was back. He usually stays in their office behind a doggie gate, but sometimes he gets out. New employees are always introduced to the dog, but never told that if they get too close, he might decide to take a chunk out of their face.

Why on earth would otherwise intelligent business people continue this practice? You would think that the medical and financial liability would scare the heck out of them.

A: I have no idea why these self-centered owners are exhibiting such complete disregard for their employees. But people are seldom rational when it comes to their children or their dogs.

Obviously, you should continue to stay away from Fido (no problem there, I’m sure) and advise all new hires to maintain a safe distance. For everyone’s benefit, however, you might also consider having a chat with the owners.

In a calm, businesslike manner, express your concern about the legal risks presented by their failure to control a dangerous animal. Remind them that a lawsuit could cause them to lose the business. And the dog.

Although an attorney would have to explain the specifics, common sense should tell the owners that they have a potential liability problem. Of course, the main problem is that they apparently have no common sense. Marie McIntyre