ATC Library Coworker Relations

I'm Not "One of the Girls"

Q: I am a male employee who has trouble relating to female supervisors and managers. I don’t mind them personally, but I resent the way they deal with events in their lives, like divorces or weddings.

When women managers have some sort of life event going on, they spend lots of time talking with female employees, but completely ignore me and the other men. They don’t even acknowledge our existence.

I am usually the first person to arrive at the office, but the female managers don’t even say “good morning” when they come in. They just start chatting with the other women. How can I keep a positive attitude when I am excluded from their conversations?

A: Sounds like the female version of the “good old boys network”. Managers should never create in-groups and out-groups among their employees.

However, many guys would pay good money to avoid detailed feminine discussions about relationships and personal activities. So these women may assume that you simply wouldn't be interested.

If you want to be included in the early-morning chats, don’t wait for an invitation. Instead, take the initiative and join the conversation.

Ask how the wedding plans are going or how little Johnny is doing in pre-school. Then share a few anecdotes from your own life.

Once the gals know you want to participate, I guarantee that you will no longer be ignored. Although eventually you may wish that you were.

Related information from Your Office Coach:

§ “Political Pitfalls for Men & Women” from our “Office Politics” section:

http://www.yourofficecoach.com/Topics/political_pitfalls.htm

My Friend Won't Stop Singing

Q: Management allows our group to wear headphones while we work. One of my close friends has a habit of humming to the music or singing a few words. Sometimes she can be rather loud.

This doesn’t bother me, but I know it disturbs other people. If they complain to management, I’m afraid our headphone privileges will be taken away. How should I bring this to her attention?

A: Your friend may be completely oblivious to her humming habit. Approach her in a spirit of helpfulness, not criticism.

For example: " Mary, I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but you often hum along with the music on your headphones. I don’t mind, but some people find it distracting. If they complain, management might decide to ban headphones altogether, so I thought I should let you know."

If she's really a close friend, she'll appreciate your candor. But if she reacts defensively, just tell her that you only wanted to be helpful.

Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office Coach:

“Giving Effective Feedback”

http://www.yourofficecoach.com/Topics/giving_feedback.htm

“Do You Annoy Your Coworkers?” http://www.yourofficecoach.com/Topics/do_you_annoy.htm

My Coworker Seems To Be Losing It

Q: One of my coworkers, “Rachel”, is a college acquaintance. We weren’t close in school, but became friends after joining this firm.

Recently, Rachel’s behavior has become questionable. She calls in sick at least once a week and gets upset about absurd things. For example, when she and another woman brought in snacks, Rachel yelled at her for “trying to out-do her” with the food.

Although we work on different teams, Rachel often rushes over to my desk and complains so loudly that everyone can hear. When I told her my boss didn’t like this, she got very angry and started giving him dirty looks.

I’m afraid Rachel’s behavior will eventually begin to reflect badly on me. But I also feel bad about avoiding her, because she doesn’t have any friends.

This situation is distracting me from my work. Should I go talk to someone?

A: Since Rachel seems to be on the verge of a meltdown, sharing your concerns is the responsible thing to do. Discuss this recent behavior change with her supervisor or the human resources manager.

Because Rachel’s anger and absences are quite obvious, management might be involved already. But if not, your observations may prompt some helpful action.

As a friend, you can also offer assistance directly. Simply say that she seems to be having a difficult time and ask if you can help. If your company has an employee assistance program, give her the contact number.

However, if Rachel’s disruptive outbursts continue, you may have no choice but to distance yourself. Otherwise, both your work and your reputation may suffer.

Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office Coach:

“How to Deal with Childish Adults” at http://www.yourofficecoach.com/Topics/how_to_deal_with_childish_adults.htm
“Do You Annoy Your Coworkers?” at http://www.yourofficecoach.com/Topics/do_you_annoy.htm

How Do I Handle a Coworker’s Affair?

Q: For the past two years, a secretary in our office has been having an affair with one of the executives. Both of them are married with young children.

My problem is not with the affair itself, as these people are adults and can do as they please. However, the secretary has become so distracted by this relationship that her work has suffered considerably. She used to be quite friendly with everyone, but now she only has time to assist her boyfriend.

Top management thinks very highly of this woman, so if I speak up I’m afraid I’ll lose my job. Most people know about the affair, but they choose to turn a blind eye to it. I’m not sure how to handle this situation.

A: Does the secretary's romantic distraction create problems with your own work? If so, talk with her about any tasks that are being neglected.

Her affair is completely irrelevant to this discussion. You need to focus on the result of her inattentiveness, not the presumed cause.

For example: "Mary, I’m concerned about the turnaround time on my monthly reports. They seem to be taking longer and longer to complete, so we need to agree on a deadline."

If this fails to do the trick, tell your boss about the secretary’s lapses without mentioning her love life.

But if this woman’s infatuation has no effect on your own job performance, stop fretting about her moral and vocational shortcomings. It’s a waste of your time and energy.

Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office Coach:

“Dangerous Workplace Romances ” at http://www.yourofficecoach.com/Topics/romance_at_work.htm
“Seven Topics to Avoid at the Office” at http://www.yourofficecoach.com/Topics/seven_topics_to_avoid.htm

I Hate My New Coworker!

Q: I simply cannot work with the new person in my department. I am 24 years old and the administrative assistant to the sales director. He recently hired a sales representative who is 52 and used to be a manager in another company.

This woman seemed nice until I corrected her paperwork and told her how to do it properly. That started a confrontation between us. Since then, she watches everything I do. I hate her, and I know she hates me, too.

Being around this lady makes me sick. Whenever she comes into my office, I feel like telling her to stay away from me. All the other sales reps say that they don’t like her either. What can I do about this?

A: Your extreme emotional reaction is the real issue here. Saying “I hate her” and “she makes me sick” sounds pretty immature. This woman is just a difficult coworker, not Attila the Hun.

To be successful, you must learn to work with obnoxious people without becoming one yourself. You will meet many more of them during your career.

Even if you don’t like each other, you and your adversary have to work together. So overlook her annoying traits and avoid arguing with her. If she acts like a child, you need to be the adult.

If you are expected to review her paperwork, remember that the standards are established by management, not by you. Have your boss talk with her about any necessary corrections.

Finally, consider that a 52-year-old former manager might be somewhat anxious about starting a new job at this point in her career. Then see if you can muster up a little sympathy. If she’s really as bad as you say, she won’t be around long.

Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office Coach:

§ “Good Ground Rules for Quarrelsome Groups ” at http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/quarrelsome_groups.htm

§ “How to Deal with Childish Adults” at http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/how_to_deal_with_childish_adults.htm

My Co-Worker Keeps Touching My Husband

Q: My husband and I teach at the same school. This year, a new young math teacher started openly flirting with my husband and touching him. She hugs him, rubs his shoulders, and so forth. She often does this in my presence. I know it’s silly, but her behavior really bothers me. What should I do?

A: You're not being silly at all. Wanting this hussy to keep her hands off your husband is completely normal. If she just gazed at him adoringly, you might feel foolish bringing it up. But hugging and rubbing clearly crosses the line.

The math teacher may be the problem, but the solution lies with your husband. Since he’s the target of this flirtatious behavior, it’s his responsibility to stop it. If he hugs her back or gives a deep, happy sigh during a shoulder massage, then he's sending the wrong message.

Without getting overly upset or dramatic, tell your hubby exactly how you feel and what you want him to do. For example: "You may think this is silly, but I really hate it when Mary hugs you or rubs your shoulders. I would appreciate it if you would ask her to stop."

If he’s a bit slow to catch on, ask how he would feel if the situation were reversed: "Suppose that Bob kept touching me and giving me back rubs. Would you like that?"

Should he resist talking to her about it, ask him to do so as a personal favor to you. As his wife, your feelings should be more important than hers.

Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office Coach:

§ “How to Deal with Childish Adults ” at http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/how_to_deal_with_childish_adults.htm

§ “Giving Effective Feedback” at http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/giving_feedback.htm

My Co-Workers Are Ripping Off The Company

Q: Two people in our office, a mother and daughter, are falsifying hours on their timesheets. The rest of us are honest employees who show up for work, do our jobs, and make up any time we miss.

Our boss works in a different location, so she doesn’t know what goes on here. When we gently tried to tell her about this problem, she said we were being petty.

Now these two women are getting paid for hours and hours of overtime, when they’re not even working their regular hours. Their dishonesty is hurting morale and causing a lot of resentment. What is our ethical responsibility in this situation?

A: Your “gentle” description of this scam may have been too vague. To get the attention of your off-site boss, you must clearly convey the magnitude of the problem.

For the next couple of weeks, record the exact number of hours these overtime bandits actually work. Then compare the true attendance figures with their timesheet report. Send this information to your manager with a note signed by you and your coworkers.

If your boss continues to ignore the fraud, you may have to choose between justice and self-protection. The next logical step is to report the violations to human resources or upper management. But going over your manager’s head does risk making her angry.

Once you have informed the appropriate people about this deception, then you’ve done all you can do. If the higher-ups fail to take action, just file this experience under "life's not fair" and let it go.

Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office Coach:

§ “How to Complain to Your Boss ” at http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/how_to_complain_to_your_boss.htm

§ “Trust & Betrayal at Work” at http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/trust%20and%20betrayal%20at%20work.htm

My Co-Worker Always Copies My Boss!

Q: I have a coworker who copies my boss on every e-mail that she sends me. I can’t imagine why she does this. On my own emails, I copy only people who actually need the information, What do you think is going on here? Annoyed

A: Because everyone is swamped with email these days, people who overuse the “cc” line risk aggravating those that they hope to inform. Managers should only be copied when there is a specific benefit to be gained.

Here are some legitimate reasons for copying higher-ups: to provide necessary updates on projects or problems, to offer an opportunity for comment before action is taken, or to escalate an issue to the next level.

Lacking psychic abilities, I can’t divine your coworker’s true intentions. She might simply be naïve about proper email etiquette. She may have paranoid tendencies that drive her to document her every move. Perhaps she hopes to impress your boss or get you in trouble.

By observing her other behaviors, you should be able to determine whether her motives are self-serving, sinister, or silly.

Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office Coach:

“Playing Political Games, Part 1 ” at http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/political_games,_part_1.htm

“Dealing with Enemies & Adversaries” at http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/enemies_&_adversaries.htm

My Co-Workers are Spying on Me!

Q: In my new job, I share an office with three people. My desk is positioned so that the gentleman behind me has a full view of everything I do. He also happens to be the younger brother of one of the owners.

On my seventh day of work, the human resources manager warned me about the amount of time I spent making personal calls and using the Internet. My office mates apparently tattled to her about this, so I already have a black mark next to my name.

Now I make no more than two three-minute calls per day, and I’m controlling my urge to go online. But the brother who sits behind me still watches me constantly.

My three coworkers instant message each other all day, and sometimes the messages are about me. Because I’m a sensitive person, this is starting to affect my work. I can’t even stand to look at these people.

When I started this job, I was at an extreme high, but now I’m at an extreme low. My coworkers behave like children and watch me like a hawk. Should I act like I don’t care or try to kill them with kindness? How do I handle this?

A: The most salient fact here is that you are a newcomer in a well-established group. You have no track record with these people. To succeed, you must demonstrate that you can be a friendly and productive colleague.

Goofing off during your first week was a bad way to start. You are paid to produce results, not surf the net or chat on the phone. So you immediately screwed up your chance to make a good first impression.

To recover, you must do your best work, act pleasant and helpful, and control your emotions. If you are tired of your coworkers’ childish behavior, then you should set an adult example. Adults maintain good working relationships, even with people they don’t like.

You particularly need to get along with the guy peering over your shoulder. Why? Because he’s related to an owner and could probably get you fired. This may not be fair, but family almost always trumps fairness.

Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office Coach:

§ “Playing Power Games ” at http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/political_games,_part_1.htm

§ “Dealing with Enemies & Adversaries” at http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/enemies_&_adversaries.htm

My Co-Worker’s Belching Drives Me Nuts!

Q: I sit in a cluster of cubicles with four other people. The person beside me belches repeatedly throughout the day. I've tried wearing headphones to drown him out, but it doesn't always work.

My other coworkers say they also hear him and that this has been brought to his attention before. I mentioned it to my manager, but she didn’t do anything. I may have to talk to the guy myself, because I can't take it anymore. What should I do?

A: Your burping colleague may have little control over this physiological response. Unlike those who talk loudly or bathe infrequently, people who belch, sniff, or cough often have underlying physical problems. He might be able to turn down the volume, though.

If you’re willing to risk an indignant reaction, you can make this request directly: “I know this may sound silly, but I get very distracted by noise, and I often hear a lot of belching from your cubicle. If you’re able to do that more quietly, I would really appreciate it.”

Should this conversation fail to squelch the belch, enlist the support of your fellow cube dwellers. Go as a group to your manager and ask her to encourage the burper to exert more self control.

Another alternative is to distance yourself by swapping cubicles with a coworker who is less disturbed by bodily sounds. Some people are completely oblivious to the background noise that others find maddening.

If all else fails, invest in a better set of headphones, resign yourself to the inevitable, and try to muster a little sympathy for someone with such a socially unacceptable habit.

Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office Coach:

§ “Quick Quiz: Do You Annoy Your Coworkers? ” at http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/do_you_annoy.htm

§ “Giving Effective Feedback” at http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/giving_feedback.htm

I Don't Trust My Co-Worker

Q: I’m not sure whether to trust one of my coworkers. When dealing with me, “Amy” acts helpful and considerate, provides useful information, and makes friendly, encouraging comments. She seems like a good team player and loyal employee.

However, Amy obviously wants to climb the corporate ladder. Although there’s nothing wrong with that, other coworkers say they have been backstabbed by her in the past. She shows off her knowledge, points out others’ mistakes, and makes a big deal of her workload.

This self-promotion seems to have worked, because Amy has the trust and confidence of management. Apparently, her antagonistic side is seen only by her peers. When working with such a skillful manipulator, how do you avoid being hurt by her tactics, especially when management thinks so highly of her?

A: You have found Amy to be pleasant and helpful, so you should respond in kind. Maintaining a good working relationship is important, especially since she has influence with management.

Your coworkers may be correct about Amy’s motives or they may just be jealous. But given their warnings, you need to be cautious. Don’t talk too freely with her or share information that could come back to haunt you. To avoid backstabbing, get to know the managers yourself, so that they have a first-hand opinion of you.

If you are also gazing wistfully up the corporate ladder, see what you can learn from Amy’s success. To be promoted, you must impress the higher-ups, and Amy seems to have cracked that code.

Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office Coach:

“Dealing with Enemies & Adversaries” at http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/enemies_&_adversaries.htm

“How to Impress High-Level Managers” at http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/how_to_impress_high-level_managers.htm

I’m Never Invited to my Co-Worker’s Parties

Q: My coworker is always telling me about the parties she hosts and all the coworkers who attend. Recently, she showed me a document she made that turned out to be an invitation to another party. This hurts my feelings, because I’m never invited. I don't know how to handle this. Any advice?

A: Your coworker is either deliberately unkind or dreadfully insensitive. To shed light on her motives, ask yourself a few questions. Is there any logical reason why you don’t fit into this social group, like being in a different job or department? Are you the only uninvited person or are others also left off the guest list? Is this coworker angry with you for some reason?

Several strategies are available for addressing the situation. The simplest is to stop engaging in these conversations. When the social butterfly mentions a party, just smile and say “that’s great, but I have to get back to work”. Then return to your tasks.

Another possibility is the direct approach. Tell your colleague that it hurts your feelings to hear about parties from which you are excluded. Ask why she keeps telling you about them.

Or you might stop waiting to be invited and organize a social event of your own. Then you can determine whether or not to invite the party girl.

Finally, remember that these parties are only important because you choose to make them so. Once you decide that this ill-mannered person and her activities really don’t matter, your resentment may disappear.

Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office Coach:

“Trust & Betrayal at Work” at http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/trust%20and%20betrayal%20at%20work.htm

“Giving Effective Feedback” at http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/giving_feedback.htm

The “Gang of Guys” is Trying to Sabotage Me

Q: I was asked to take over a very difficult position for which I had no background or training. My manager felt that I could do the job because I learn quickly and am good at solving problems. Since then, I have resolved a number of longstanding issues, and my boss is pleased with my work.

My problem is that a group of guys who have been here a long time are challenging me on every little thing. They fail to respond to my requests, withhold information that I need, and twist my words to make me look bad. My male predecessor left because of their behavior, so I guess it’s not just because I’m a woman.

These guys really want me to fail and are doing everything possible to make that happen. I’ve tried making peace by offering to help with their work, but that has only made things worse. I think they see my olive branch as a sign of weakness.

Lately, our two managers have decided that all communication between me and the group should go through them. This worries me, because I don't think it should be that way. Any suggestions?

A: Past success has taught your adversaries that sabotage can work, so they’re trying it again. If the managers are aware of this history, they may be controlling communication in order to short-circuit these guerilla tactics.

Since your colleagues have refused to cooperate willingly, you do need management support. Be sure your boss understands the business problems created by this oppositional behavior. And try to develop a good relationship with the manager of the grouchy guys. Against opponents like this, your best ammunition is a strong connection to their boss.

If gender wars seem to be part of the equation, try toughening up your communication style. Guys operating in macho mode view collaboration as weakness, so peacemaking may be counterproductive. Being straightforward, direct, and persistent is more likely to produce results with your testosterone-laden coworkers.

Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office Coach:

“Political Pitfalls for Men & Women” at http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/political_pitfalls.htm

“Dealing with Enemies & Adversaries” at http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/enemies_&_adversaries.htm

My Co-Worker Hasn't Spoken in Six Weeks!

Q: About six weeks ago, my co-worker stopped speaking to me. She socializes with everyone else, but does not acknowledge me at all. When she has to communicate about work, she sends me an email. I've asked her twice if there’s a problem, but she says no.

Prior to this behavior change, she was in my office every day, talking and joking non-stop. She did this once before about two years ago. How do I handle her attitude shift?

A: Your childish colleague provides a classic example of passive-aggressive behavior. Passive-aggressive types are deeply afraid of conflict. Because direct communication scares them, they send “messages” to convey their anger. Not speaking is a common tactic.

Despite their nonverbal expressions of hostility and resentment, these petulant people steadfastly maintain that nothing is wrong, thereby making it impossible to discuss the problem. The result of this silly game is that the relationship deteriorates while the underlying issue remains unresolved.

Your only hope of progress lies in refusing to play the game. Instead of pleading for an explanation, indicate that you know there’s a problem: “I can tell you’re upset with me, and I have no idea why. I’d like to see if we can resolve the issue. When could we find some time to talk?”

If she takes you up on this offer, then you’ve ended the game. But if she still insists that all is well, accept this as the truth: “I’m so glad to hear that. For some reason I thought you were mad at me.”

Then, since she says nothing is wrong, you must act like nothing is wrong. Smile, be friendly, and continue talking about work issues. After awhile, she will probably return to normal conversation. But if not, then she’s too dysfunctional to worry about.

Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office Coach:

“Trust & Betrayal at Work” at http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/trustandbetrayalatwork.htm

“Conflict Management Skills” at http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/conflict_management_skills.htm

My Co-Worker Keeps Criticizing Me!

Q: I have worked for a housepainter for 15 months. I am 47 and have been painting for six years. I like the owner of the business, but the problem is “Joe”, my coworker and foreman, who criticizes me constantly. He is 34 and has worked here for five years.

I almost quit a few months ago because of all the criticism. When I met with the owner, he convinced me to stay, even though Joe said I wasn’t a very good painter.

I’m the kind of person who needs to be complimented or at least told that I am appreciated. Joe never praises my work, and when he points out problems, he does it in a judgmental style. He just thinks he’s God’s gift to painting.

Now I feel like I’m ready to quit again. Should I go back to the owner and tell him how unhappy I am? Do I confront my coworker? Or just keep quiet and look for another job? I refuse to have this guy tell me how to paint any more.

A: I believe a dose of reality is called for here. You can talk all you want about requiring compliments and refusing criticism, but for now you are stuck with your painting partner. And if you quit without another job, you’re the only one who suffers.

Complaining to management again might be hazardous, since you’ve already had that conversation once. By encouraging you to stay, the owner showed that he does value your work. If you go back with more complaints, you risk looking like an overly sensitive whiner.

Despite being younger, Joe is the foreman, so supervising your work is part of his job. Confronting him could be viewed as insubordinate. And besides, nothing you say is likely to change him. So you are left with two options: either adapt or find a work environment better suited to your personality.

If you decide to stick it out, try to control your emotional reactions and ignore Joe’s fault-finding. By allowing this guy to push your buttons, you actually grant him a lot of power. But if you keep your cool, then his derisive comments just become background noise.

Although people like Joe appear arrogant, they are actually kind of pathetic. Their haughty behavior masks a strong sense of inadequacy. They put down others in order to feel better about themselves. So when Joe points out flaws, simply smile, keep painting, and quietly remind yourself that you are the more mature person. Then be sure to act that way.

Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office Coach:

"How to Manage Your Boss" at www.yourofficecoach.com/topics/managing_your_boss.htm
"What are Your Energizers at Work" at www.yourofficecoach.com/topics/energizers_at_work.htm

Should I Trust my Ambitious Co-Worker?

A: You have found Amy to be pleasant and helpful, so you should respond in kind. Maintaining a good working relationship is important, especially since she has influence with management.

If you are also gazing wistfully up the corporate ladder, see what you can learn from Amy’s success. To be promoted, you must impress the higher-ups, and Amy seems to have cracked that code.

Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office Coach:

“Dealing with Enemies & Adversaries” at http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/enemies_&_adversaries.htm
“Quick Quiz: Do You Annoy Your Coworkers?” at http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/do_you_annoy.htm
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My Co-Workers are Trying to Sabotage Me

Lately, our two managers have decided that all communication between me and the group should go through them. This worries me, because I don't think it should be that way. Any suggestions?

Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office Coach:

§ “Political Pitfalls for Men & Women” at http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/political_pitfalls.htm

§ “Dealing with Enemies & Adversaries” at http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/enemies_&_adversaries.htm

My Co-Worker Sleeps on the Job

Q: I am a part-time horticulturist in a large hotel. My job is to keep all the inside plants clean, watered, and disease free. I work all night on the graveyard shift with another co-worker who does the same job full time. He also goes to school and has two part-time jobs.

The problem is that my coworker uses this night shift position to sleep, so I have to work twice as hard. Our boss is not here at night, so he thinks this person is just the greatest. I don't want to be a snitch, and I don't know if I would be believed anyway. What should I do?

A: First, ask your manager to clearly differentiate the duties of these two jobs. Explain that the work can be done more efficiently if you each have distinct responsibilities or a specific territory to cover.

Then you must do only your own job. If you stop covering for the sleepyhead, your boss will eventually notice the dry, dusty foliage in his area.

Your other option is to make an appointment with Human Resources and describe the problem just as you have here. Action is quite likely to follow, since hotel management is not paying people to snooze.

Helpful links related to this topic on Your Office Coach:

“Do You Annoy Your Coworkers?” at http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/do_you_annoy.htm
“How Assertive Are You?” at http://yourofficecoach.com/Topics/how_assertive_are_you.htm

I Work With a Malicious Suck-up

Q: One of my coworkers always sucks up to management. Our boss is so fond of him tha