Marie G. McIntyre, Ph.D.

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How Assertive Are You?

 

All material on Your Office Coach is copyrighted to Marie G. McIntyre.  All rights reserved.

 May be reproduced with copyright and attribution to www.yourofficecoach.com.

 

 

For each situation, check Yes or No to indicate what you would be most likely to do.

** You will need to print out the survey form, as on-line scoring is not currently available. **

Yes

No

Situation

 

 

1.       When a family member makes a request that you feel is an imposition, do you tell them no?

 

 

2.       If a friend betrays a confidence, do you tell that person how you feel about it?

 

 

3.       If you share a home with others, do you insist they do their share of the work?

 

 

4.       When a store clerk waits first on someone who came in after you, do you tell them?

 

 

5.       Would you be comfortable asking a good friend to lend you twenty dollars?

 

 

6.       If someone annoys you with continual teasing, do you tell them that it bothers you?

 

 

7.       If someone keeps kicking the back of your seat in a movie, do you ask them to stop?

 

 

8.       If a friend keeps calling you at an inconvenient time, will you ask them to call at a different time?

 

 

9.       If someone borrows twenty dollars and forgets to pay you back, will you remind them?

 

 

10.    If someone interrupts when you’re speaking, do you ask them to wait till you’re finished?

 

 

11.    In an expensive restaurant, would you return a dinner that was quite overcooked?

 

 

12.    If a repair person working in your home did a bad job, would you call the company to report it?

 

 

13.    If you buy a piece of clothing and find that it is damaged, will you return it?

 

 

14.    If you disagree with a coworker about a work issue, will you let them know?

 

 

15.    If your boss comes up with a stupid idea, will you point out the possible problems?

 

§          The more “yes” answers you gave, the more assertive you are.

§          If you filled up the “no” column, then you are probably a complete wimp.

§          To become more assertive, check out the suggestions below.

 

 

How to Become More Assertive

 

Being assertive does not mean being aggressive.  Assertive people are able to make their ideas, suggestions, needs, and wishes known to others without getting anxious, angry, upset, or defensive.  Here are a few suggestions for becoming a more assertive person.

 

q      Monitor your “self-talk”.  If you constantly tell yourself things like “she’s going to get mad if I speak up” or “maybe I’ll lose my job” or “it would be easier to just go along”, then you’re only reinforcing your timid tendencies.

 

q      Remind yourself of your “perfect rights”.  Instead of convincing yourself to keep quiet, try reminding yourself that you have a perfect right to your own opinions, wishes, and ideas, as well as a perfect right to be treated reasonably by others, both at work and at home.

 

q      Beware of too much empathy.  Caring about the feelings of others is a great characteristic.  But over-empathizing can cause you to neglect your own needs.  It’s all too easy to congratulate yourself for being “nice”, when you’re really being timid.

 

q      Directly state what you need.  If you must have information, assistance, time, or anything else, say so directly.  Don't ask a question when you need to make a statement.  Saying "Could you give me two more days to finish the project?" is not the same as saying "I need two more days to finish the project."

 

q      Protect your boundaries.  Some thoughtless, pushy people are chronic boundary violators.  They have no hesitation at all about taking up your time, asking personal questions, coming over without an invitation, or borrowing your stuff.  The only way to deal with these boorish types is to learn to say “no”.

 

q      Be persistent.  Unassertive people often give up much too easily.  They will offer a timid “Well, I’m not really sure if I can”, then immediately fold at the slightest pushback.  Assertive people know when they are being reasonable and are willing to stick to their guns.

 

q      Don't build up resentment.  Some unassertive people let their resentments increase without saying anything about them.  Then they suddenly go nuclear, which both confuses and alienates people.  If you feel yourself getting angry, don’t stay quiet – it’s time to say something.

 

q      Focus on the problem, not the person.  Sometimes people are afraid to speak up because they fear making the other person mad.  One way to avoid this is to focus on the issue, not the person.  Telling someone that they are lazy, inconsiderate, thoughtless, or shortsighted is not being assertive.  That’s called being rude.

 

q      Learn to use "I-statements".  “I-statements” can help you be assertive without being critical.  An I-statement phrases your concern in terms of what you need, not what’s wrong with the other person.  Saying “I need to be able to plan my week, so I’d like to have the schedule this afternoon” is much better than saying “Why are you always so late with the schedule?

 

q      Don’t over explain.  People who feel uncomfortable asserting their own rights often feel that they must give lots of reasons to justify their actions or refusals.  If you don’t want to go to a party, for example, you are under no obligation to explain why.  You can simply say that you’re not able to do so.

 

q      Don’t over apologize.  Some people are chronic apologizers. They say “I’m sorry” over and over and over.  If you are taking a reasonable position, there is no need to apologize for it.

 

q      Express appreciation.  Telling others what you appreciate about them is a very positive form of assertiveness.  And can help to counterbalance any disagreements you may have in the future.

 

Copyright Marie G. McIntyre.  All rights reserved. May be reproduced with copyright and attribution to www.yourofficecoach.com .

 

 

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