Everyone needs to give feedback to others from time to time.
If the
feedback is positive, it's a pleasure. But sometimes constructive
feedback is required to suggest a change in someone's
actions or behavior. While these discussions can easily turn into arguments or
conflicts, they should really be viewed as problem-solving conversations.
The following suggestions can make feedback more comfortable and
productive.
A. Manage Your Attitude
Stay calm:
Unless a delay will result in disaster, never give anyone
feedback when you’re angry or upset.
Be clear
about your goals: Know what you want to accomplish by having this
discussion. Sacrifice smaller points in the interest of larger objectives.
Express
appreciation: Sincerely telling someone what you appreciate can make
constructive feedback easier to accept.
Don't
criticize or argue: You want problem-solving, not conflict. If you start to
criticize or argue, STOP!
B.
Empathize
Imagine
their point of view: Try to put yourself in the
other person’s shoes. Anticipate their reaction to your comments.
Ask
questions to understand their situation: If you aren't sure of their
point of view, then ask questions and listen. When someone gives you
feedback, be sure that you understand their viewpoint before you automatically
launch into your counter-arguments.
C.
Neutralize
Talk about
facts and observations, not assumptions: To reduce defensiveness, use
neutral language. Focus on facts and observations. Avoid accusations and
blaming.
Talk about
the problem, not the person: If you are upset with someone,
don't talk about their negative personality traits. Focus on the issue.
Share
observations with "I-statements". Minimize the word "you":
An "I-statement" expresses what you have observed or
felt, NOT what the other person is doing wrong. "You" sounds accusatory,
not neutral. Insteadof "You always" or "You ought to",
try saying “I've observed” or “I've noticed
. .”.
D.
Educate
Discuss
the effects of the problem: Explain why you are
concerned about the situation – that is, the effect on you, your co-workers,
your work, the company, etc. People often do not realize the impact of their
behavior on others, even when it seems obvious.
Use
reversals or analogies to shift their point of view: Encourage the other person
to see things differently by reversing the situation – that is, putting them in
your shoes – or using an analogy to give them a different frame of
reference.
Describe
your feelings with "I-statements":
To convey how they are affecting you, try saying “I feel“ or “My problem is”, NOT
“You never“ or “You should”.
E.
Cooperate
Look for
common goals: Identify shared interests, needs, or concerns as you try to
solve the problem. Try to find areas of agreement.
Engage in
give and take. Expand the options: Be willing to make concessions and compromises. You may
also be part of the problem! Propose strategies and solutions that neither
party may have previously considered.
End with
action steps: Agree on what will be different in the future – both what
they will do and what you will do. Unless you end with action
steps, nothing is likely to change.
