Marie G. McIntyre, Ph.D.

(All material on yourofficecoach.com is copyrighted to Marie G. McIntyre.  All rights reserved.)

While some people may handle disagreements better than others, virtually no one comes equipped with very effective strategies for managing conflicts.  Our natural reactions to conflict are based in our biology: when confronted with danger, our innate biological response is to either attack or run away – the famous Fight or Flight syndrome.  In a conflict situation, the Fight reaction can translate into confronting, arguing, yelling, and even shoving or hitting.  At the other end of the continuum, the Flight reaction causes us to quickly give in to others, leave uncomfortable situations, or avoid bringing up difficult issues.  Neither Fight nor Flight behaviors are likely to result in solving the problem that’s causing the conflict.  Using the following three strategies can help you move from conflict to problem resolution:

Shifting into neutral means getting your own feelings under control and discussing the situation as calmly as possible.  If you feel strongly about the issue, this will not be easy. 

¨        Physically relax.

Reducing physical tension will reduce emotional tension (and vice versa).  Do anything that will calm you

physically – take deep breaths, contract and release your muscles, visualize a peaceful scene, go for a walk.

¨        Modify your attitude.

Talk to yourself about the situation and try to become more objective.  Think about the other person’s point of view. Get out of your own “box” in terms of how you see the situation.  Ask yourself how an outside observer would view the problem.  Realize what you have a right to expect and what you do not.

¨        Use neutral language.

Once you are physically calm and in the right frame of mind, you are ready to talk about the situation.  Decide what you will say to start the conversation or – if you are confronted by someone else – to respond.  Neutral language describes the situation and does not judge anyone. 

Example:  “Lately I’ve talked with several clients who expected services for which they weren’t eligible.”

 Not   “You are always promising clients things that are impossible for us to do.”

At the beginning of a conflict, we want to give our view and say what we are upset about.  It is almost contrary to human nature to focus on the other person at this point.  Nevertheless, that is the most important thing you can do to reduce defensiveness and anger.

¨        Tell them what you appreciate.

Here’s a tough one – find something that you truly appreciate about this person and incorporate that into your discussion. 

Example:  “I really do appreciate your desire to help people.”

¨        Describe their point of view.

Before launching into your own sermon, try to describe how you think the situation looks to them.  Remember:  Facts can be wrong – opinions are only different.

Example:  “Since you’re the person who does the initial intake with clients, I expect that you feel a lot of pressure to tell them that we can help with their situation.”

¨        Ask questions and listen.

If you don’t have a clue about their point of view, this is how you learn what it is. Try to think of questions to ask.  And “listen” means really listening – not just waiting for them to finish so you can talk. 

Example:  “What happens during intake that tends to raise clients’ expectations?”

¨        Go with the resistance.

This is a counseling technique which simply advises that, when someone is resistant to your ideas or suggestions, you should not continue to force the issue.  Instead ask questions to learn more about where this resistance is coming from. 

Example:  “What are your concerns about following the new procedures?”

You have to be willing to say what you need in order for anything to change.  Few people are good mind readers.  Saying what you need works better than telling others what’s wrong with them.

¨        Make factual observations.

Try to differentiate fact from opinion and describe situations as objectively (and neutrally) as possible.

Example:  “The last three times we had a change in expense reimbursement policies, the forms were not revised until several months after the change became effective.”

¨        Describe effects of the problem.

Describe how this problem affects you, the department, your clients or customers, the other person, etc.

Example:  “As a result, employees received reimbursement checks late because required information was omitted.”

¨        Describe your feelings.

Telling someone how you feel is much more effective than acting out those feelings by yelling or sounding irritated.

Example:  “I’m really getting tired of all these calls from people who are angry about not receiving their checks.”

¨        Identify the real issues.

Don’t spin your wheels arguing about symptoms instead of causes or about minor issues instead of major ones.. 

Example:  “Before we try to settle this specific issue, I’d like to talk about why it seems to be so hard to get forms revised quickly.  This problem may involve some other people as well.”

¨        Use I-statements.

An “I-statement” is simply a technique for expressing how you feel or what you need instead of saying what’s wrong with the other person or what they “should” be doing.

Example:  “I need to have new forms available before the effective date of a change in policy.”

 Not   “You have to start thinking about some of these practical details when you change a policy.”

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